Mr Cuccinelli, Please Read Your History

Dear Mr. Cuccinelli,

Let me say, I applaud your desire to curtail the horrid child prostitution industry. I think your intentions are at least modestly noble. However, I am dismayed by you current tactics, which seems to overlook thousands of years of military understanding and the full history of the internet.

You see, your recent letter demanding to have online classifieds site CraigsList remove their Adult Services section will do far more harm than good in the attempt to realize the above stated desires.

Let’s take a look at the situation, shall we?

  • Currently, the Adult Services section of CraigsList serves as a single location where a number of prostitution-related crimes are negotiated.
  • The operators of CraigsList are known, and even if they are not as cooperative as would be liked, they can be reached and reasoned with. There is an open means of communication.
  • The Police are able to understand and operate within the confines of the CraigsList environment both to monitor activities and set up sting operations.

The current situation, while not ideal, is a rather understandable one. It’s familiar. We know who and where the players are. We are able to plan accordingly. Kind of looks like the Cold War, which is good because we actually won that.

What does removing the Adult Services section do to the above picture?

  • Single Location?

Gone. Welcome to the world of asymmetric and mobile enemies. Removing CraigsList’s Adult Services section will instantly create a vacuum which, in the short term, might lower the rates of prostitution-related crimes. However, as we’ve seen time and time again on the internet, the removal of a centralized service leads to rapidly innovating and dispersed target. Take a look at the state of copyright infringement post-Napster. The RIAA’s single, predictable location for music filesharing has morphed into an entity that cannot be pinned down and adapts to stay one technological step ahead of those who would stop it.

  • Known Operators?

Gone. If you think the operators of CraigsList have been less-than-wholly helpful, wait until you’ve trying to hunt down the owners of anonymous prostitution websites. In fact, why don’t you talk to the FBI crimes against children task forces. I bet they can regale you with tales of just how hard it is to track down some of these more-savvy pedophiles.

Right now, you can pick up the phone and call Craig.

  • Trained Police?

Gone…mostly. The tactics and training will have to be modified, turning police into into hunters capable of scouring the internet at large, finding, understanding, adapting, and documenting tactics on the fly. Even if the initial crop of sites and services that pop up operate exactly like CraigsList, the number of replacements will require more police to patrol them.

Removing CraigsList’s Adult Services section takes the familiar, symmetric war and replaces it with an asymmetric, agile, iterative battle. The known is replaced with the unknown. Resources are stretched thinner. Those engaging in prostitution-related crimes get better at their tasks. Innovation occurs in the exact place where you don’t want it. In the end, removing CraigsList’s Adult Services section won’t decrease prostitution-related crimes. If history has taught us anything, killing the Adult Services section will increase prostitution.

But you can’t put that on a campaign ad, can you?

Real Men Carry Mancards

From an OpEd in a Philly “non-biased” newspaper that caters towards “families.”

A woman can’t imagine a man reloading his double barrel shotgun or chopping wood when he’s donned in Donna Karan and drinking an Appletini.

Well, it’s hard to reload a double barrel shotgun while drinking anything – it’s a two handed activity. Actually, it takes both hands and likely the use of your hip. See, you gotta open the breach and then you’re going to want to trap the butt between your hip and elbow while hanging the barrel over your forearm…oh, the author of the above quote was just trying to make a vague point? Huh. Maybe she should have thought her argument out a bit more.

If you’d like to find out more about what makes a real man, click here.

In Defense of My Childish Ways

From this weekend’s New York Times Magazine:

Sociologists traditionally define the “transition to adulthood” as marked by five milestones: completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child.

Lets see:
_ completing school
√ leaving home
√ becoming financially independent
_ marrying
_ having a child

I’m 40% grown up! And I’m completely okay with that. Now, if you’ll need me, I’ll be screwing around on the internet until I can reach the weekend and play some video games.

Lohan Ruined My Breakfast

This is probably the scariest thing you’ll read today. This is a peek inside of my mind during yesterday’s hangover. This has not been edited to protect the innocent.

mmmmm waffles

Artist's Representation

I’m hungry. I should make waffles.

All I have are eggos. How unhealthy are eggos? More importantly, how unhealthy can I make eggos?

By being frozen, eggos have evaded the breakfast box read for decades now.

I bet they’re toxic. I wonder if we could say that eggos are toxic like Britney Spears.

Wait. Where the hell has she been? We haven’t made fun of Britney in months now.

In fact, we haven’t made fun of the guy who cried at us for making fun of Britney in months now.

Stupid Lindsey Lohan.

And there you have it, folks. That’s how Lindsey Lohan ruined my breakfast.