Don't make him angry...

“The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good.”

Burn!

So, in the great tradition of the internet, it’s time to start the King Hype Machine in hopes of a fiction genre turf war that will put the 90s East Coast / West Coast Rap Feud to shame.

• Stephen King – the only person alive who can call Chuck Norris a “Nancy” and get away with it.
• Stephen King’s glasses keep his killer eyes lasers in check. When he takes them off, you know he’s about to kill a bitch.
• King’s books are all memoirs, not just “On Writing.”
• King can hear your fears, and that makes him smile.
• Stephen’s last name isn’t really “King,” it’s something Satan said about him once, and it just kind of stuck.
• King lets Clive Barker publish books so he has somebody to crush on best sellers lists.
• King writes long form, with special ink he makes by hand-crushing the remains of Edgar Allen Poe.
• The keys of King’s typewriter don’t clack, they scream in pure horror at his touch.
• Freddy Krueger’s ability to kill through nightmares is technically called a “Stephen King.”
• Each of King’s manuscripts are first typed on paper imbued with the souls of baby rabbits

Feel free to continue on in the comments.